Wednesday, 2 September 2015

Dot dot dot

I woke up this morning, checked in on Facebook, and immediately witnessed a text book example of what I call the "dot dot dot" Facebook status. I'm sure everyone reading this who is on Facebook will be aware of the oeuvre. The statement is usually brave but resigned and just non-specific enough to create mayhem amongst friends. The dot dot dot statuses are almost exclusively followed by the ellipsis of doom... The best examples of the form divide friends into those who know your inner most daemons (ie your real friends) and those who don't (ie the people who need to feel ashamed that they have no idea who or what you're talking about.) The dot dot dots tempt your inner sanctum of friends to send an "in the know" cryptic response, which deliberately sheds no new light on the original message and achieves nothing but making the sender feel (and look) really smug.

Today's classic dot dot dot status was; "well here goes...."

Others I've read in the past include;

"Just when you thought life couldn't get any more painful..."

"Can't believe it's all started again..."

"Waiting for an ambulance to arrive..."

"Keep thinking about Devon. Lol. Know what I mean...? (winking face emoticon followed by list of friends names who, one assumes, shared this extraordinary Devonian experience)...

If not cryptically quipping, the quintessential response to the dot dot dot message is either to "like" it, which seems almost too bizarre for messages which are often tragic in tone, or to write those two, ludicrously bland, 21st century "can't think of anything else to say, but need the world to know I'm nice" words, "hugs, babes." The tragedy is generally completed with a pink emoticon of some description. Frankly, if you can think of nothing other than that to write, it's probably worth wondering if you need to write anything at all.

Cut these tragic messages out of your status updates, people. If you're feeling sad, share enough facts so that those who perhaps don't spend their lives Facebook stalking people have some sort of idea as to whether they need to be on suicide watch or simply assume it's just another whinging text designed to both antagonise and worry your friends.

Oh yes.

Dot dot dot...

Night!

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