Tuesday, 7 May 2013


I've never been so unhappy to be forced to work on a Bank Holiday Monday in all my life! The sun literally shone all day and I was forced to watch it from my living room window. I could smell the barbecues and see everyone in shorts drinking in the garden of the pub opposite, and there I was, feeling fat and pasty, staring at a broken computer screen whilst the smell of ancient rat urine drifted up from behind the sofa. 

The highlight of my day was undoubtedly pulling out said sofa to discover a series of cocooned wasps and bumblebees that had been parcelled up by one of our resident spiders. I was a bit saddened to see the bee, but thrilled to see the wasps had met a suitably untimely end. I hate wasps and love spiders and this particular episode has done nothing to change these views.  

I'm still working on the dance sequence from White City and suspect there's another couple of hours in me tonight once I've gobbled down a couple of dippy eggs. Is it wrong to eat dippy eggs at midnight? Frankly, I don't care any more. The house is a tip, all my clothes have holes in them and I've neither the time nor the money to do anything about it. I watched a trailer for a new Channel 4 documentary about poor people, called "Skint" and thought I could probably give the lot of them a run for their money. I filled in a BBC class survey the other week and discovered, to my absolute horror, that I'm officially in the bottom 10% of earners in this country! And that's before tax! On the other hand I'm apparently on the 100th percentile when it comes to the breadth and depth of my cultural knowledge! Nothing if not consistent! I'm an enigma! Fan me gently! 

Even more enigmatically, Nathan would appear to be in Calais! Our mate Dan called him at 5pm and said "how quickly can you get to Calais? I need a favour!" Nathan, always up for new experiences, immediately said yes, and within half an hour was in the car and on his way. 

Dan wanted some kind of object picking up which was too heavy for the Eurostar. It all sounds a bit dodgy if you ask me. No doubt it will end up being stuffed full of cocaine and someone will tell him the other end that it's nothing but a giant flour shaker. 

Right, time to go. I've just dropped an egg on my computer, so now it's even more broken than it was before! I'd scream like a girl but I don't have the time! 

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